Day 47: On the
Prowl
I'm sitting here at the computer with a lot
of questions swirling around in my head. Stuff about you…stuff about me…stuff
about this past weekend at The Crucible…stuff about work. I'm
asking myself questions like:
Did you even make it to Damascus, VA?
And if you did...did you get your supply box
with Katie's shoes?
Did you go to Trail Days?
Did you eat lots of carnival food…and did you
get sick?
Did you stay in the Tent Village with 30,000
of your closest hiker friends?
These are just a few of the questions I'm
asking about you.
As for the questions I'm asking about me or
work? Suffice it to say, it was a rough one today. But that's just the way life
is sometimes. You both know how much I love being the Men's Pastor at
Flatirons…and how exciting and fulfilling it can be…but that doesn't mean there
won't be bad days too, right? And today was one of those days. It was the kind
of day that started out okay, but turned south in a hurry. I had a rough
conversation with a young dad who came in to talk with me. He needed some
guidance because over the weekend his two little elementary age daughters had
their innocence threatened. I can't get into details other than to say they
weren't physically harmed, but their innocence took a major hit. It made me
angry…and I've been in a funk ever since.
I know I sound like an old guy, but I think
it's SO much harder raising kids today than before! Technology has made the
landscape of childhood so much more dangerous. I know there are amazing
benefits to technology. The very fact that I'm able to write to you on this
computer…and you're able to receive it and read it in the wilds of Virginia…is
just one of them! But I keep hearing and experiencing the very, very dark side
of technology. After days like today, it seems like the enemy is taking some
major ground in the hearts and lives of kids. Every perversion imaginable is a
keystroke away from innocent eyes…able to infect minds in a fraction of a
second. I keep thinking about what Peter wrote in 1 Peter 5:8:
"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your
adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to
devour."
The devil is prowling like a lion and it
seems like children are his favorite dish. After sitting in my office today after
my meeting with that dad my mind kept bouncing back-and-forth between being
grateful that my kids are grown…to being terrified about what kind of world
awaits our little Em and Micah. My mind goes to a very dark place when I think
of someone doing them harm. A very dark place. And even though you two are all
grown up and on your own…I still worry about the reality found in 1 Peter 5:8.
The adversary means to do you harm…prowling around in your world…looking for
the right opportunity to take you down and devour you. I don't know what that
looks like for you both right now and I can only do so much from my computer in
Colorado. You're going to have to be the diligent ones…"sober-minded"
and "watchful".
Be on the lookout.
Love,
Dad
Day 48: The
Suitcase
Just wondering where you are.
I know it's only been 5 days since we've
heard from you last, but it seems much longer than that. We still don't know
how long you stayed in Damascus, VA…or if you're still there. I know that Trail
Days ended on Sunday. Maybe you decided to hang out in town a little longer
after the crowds left? Or maybe you left before Trail Days even ended. Maybe
you caught a ride into Abington, VA or some other, more populated, place. Or
maybe you made new trail friends at the festival and you're hiking with them
now. This is the sort of stuff that rattles around in my head when I haven't
heard from you in a while. I can't help it. My head keeps spinning with
possible scenarios of where you are…what you're doing…and how you're doing. I
also can't help the fact that some of those scenarios can be pretty dark…which
is why I hope you call or text real soon.
I've been thinking a lot about something I
shared with my friend Brad yesterday. We were talking about raising kids and
the essentials of child rearing. Brad's much further behind me in the child
rearing stage of life--his kids are all in elementary school. He was asking me
about what I thought was the most important part of parenting. That's a hard
one…a question to an answer I don't think I have…which is why I told him
about The Suitcase.
The Suitcase.
It's a concept my buddy Roby Bass shared with
me years ago…when Ben was still in middle school. At the time, Roby's son Ryan
was a junior in high school and trying to figure out what he was going to do
after graduating from high school. Roby was really struggling with the idea of
Ryan leaving home. Not the leaving part, but the "Is he ready for the
world?" part. From one father to another, Roby was a great sounding
board when it came to raising kids; his son Ryan was ahead of Ben and I liked
hearing how Roby was handling the crazy, confusing, chaotic world of corralling
a teenage boy. One day, after Roby and I finished up a project at his video
production house, we sat around his office and talked about Ryan's impending
graduation. That was when Roby said (in his thick Texas drawl), "I look
at raisin' kids this way: It's like, when they're born, they come with an empty
suitcase…and it's our job to fill that suitcase with everything they're gonna
need to survive in the world once they leave home." I thought that was
profound, but not near as profound as what Roby said next. He looked at me…as
if he was looking through me…and almost whispered, "And I don't have
Ryan's suitcase ready…and I don't think I'll ever get it ready before he
goes."
That was a life-changing conversation for me.
After that day I became hell-bent, almost obsessive, about getting Ben and you,
Katie, ready to leave home. At the time, Ben was only about ten years old…and
Katie…you were five, but I was bound-and-determined to get your suitcases
packed. Like I said, I was consumed with this idea…I thought about it
incessantly…talked about it to whomever would listen…researched and read about
it…and drove Mom a little nuts in the process. One of the key Bible verses
etched in my brain was this from Proverbs 22:6:
"Train up a child in the way he should
go; even when he is old he (or
she) will not depart from it."
Sitting here now…20 years after that day in
Dallas, Texas…I still don't know if I got your suitcases packed with everything
you need. Its days like today…when I haven't heard from you in a while that
make me doubt that the most. I have to intentionally make myself settle
down…put my trust where it belongs…and remind myself that you're not only
living from your suitcase, Katie. You have a husband…a man who has his own
suitcase…and maybe…hopefully…together, you've got all you need to survive in
this world.
Like the great philosopher Rocky Balboa said
about Adrian, "…she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps."
Love,
Dad
Day 49: A Good Day for Joy
Today
started out good. I got this picture in a text from Ali as I drove to the
office:
I thought
you both might like seeing the little munchkins. Em's such a good big
sister...reading to her brother...and the look on Micah's face cracks me up!
Then, the
day got better.
I know I've
already written you this before, Katie, but I'm going to write it again anyway:
I love hearing your voice on the phone…like this morning when you called. It
was especially good to hear your voice in light of what I wrote you yesterday.
After Mom read my email to you last night she said, "You're going to
make them feel guilty for not writing and calling enough." My first
thought was, "Good", but 34 years of marriage has pounded a
little bit of wisdom into my head. Just a little bit.
Not long
after I spoke with you on the phone, I was in a meeting with our team and my
phone dinged. I checked the text. It was a brief message from Nick informing us
that your 2nd video posted online and was ready to view. I made Amanda Brown
play it on her computer for our whole team to watch. It was great! We all loved
it!
Then tonight…on our way to dinner…Mom told me about your Facebook post, Katie,
and I had her read it to me in the car:
"Alright, we are officially in Damascus, VA!! 3 states down, 11 more to
go! Virginia will be our home for the next 537.2 miles. We were so ready to get
out of Tennessee, so yesterday we did the "Damascathon" and hiked 27
miles with some of our favorite people. We arrived in Damascus around 11:00pm and
set up our tents on the Creeper Trail and passed out. Nick will be posting
another video on the blog today. Go to trudgecompany.com to
check it out! Thanks again for all of your prayers!"
Today
started with a little bit of joy…Emery reading to Micah.
Then, I got
to hear your voice on the phone…filled with joy and excitement.
Then, I got
to see your smiling faces on video...filled with joy and excitement…which only
filled me with joy and excitement.
Proverbs 23:25 reads:
"May your father and
mother rejoice; may she who gave you birth be joyful!"
I don't have
much to write tonight…other than to echo what King Solomon writes in Proverbs 23:25.
Mom and I are rejoicing with you…and filled with joy about the progress you're
making on your big adventure...and knowing that you are both happy, healthy and
living life large.
My heart is
full. It was a good day for joy.
Love,
Dad
Day 50:
God's Approval
I can't wait
until your feet are back under my table.
Tonight we
had our Community Team dinner--where all the team gets together with our
spouses and have dinner. It was great! There were 12 of us gathered around
Michel and Claudia Hendrick's table eating amazing Argentinian BBQ and
rice…sipping good wine…and laughing our heads off! Everyone brought something
to be included in the meal, but the Hendricks exceeded us all with a lemon
chicken on the grill and a rice dish that included spinach and mushrooms. My
mouth is watering just typing this, so I apologize for how you must be reacting
to this. Food aside, it was so much fun sitting around the table telling
stories and teasing and laughing with each other. I kept thinking, "We
have the best team at Flatirons!" and I believe it's true. I also kept
thinking about this upcoming holiday weekend.
It's
Memorial Day weekend…a time where we usually get together as a family. Jim and
Robin are out of town. Jordan and Leah have other plans. But I think Ben, Ali,
Emery and Micah are coming over for a cookout Monday. While my barbecuing
skills can never match Michel Hendrick's, I know that the time around the table
will mirror what we had tonight: lots of merry hearts. If everything goes off
as usual, Ben will be in rare form and have us all in stitches throughout the
meal. The only thing missing will be you two…but that's okay. Wherever you land
on Memorial Day 2015, I know you will be where you need to be. We have plenty
of Memorial Days…and Fourths of July…and Labor Days in our future. It's okay if
we miss this one together. You will be where you need to be this coming
Memorial Day.
"Go,
eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has
already approved what you do." (Ecclesiastes
9:7)
So we will
miss you this weekend, but enjoy it wherever you are. Eat your bread (or trail
mix) with joy and drink your wine (or spring water) with a merry heart…knowing
that God has approved or ordained what you do…whether you'll be crouching on
the trail or sitting at a picnic table. You will be on our minds, and in our
hearts, as we gather up as a family for another holiday…and soon…your feet will
be off the Appalachian Trail and back under my table…which will also be a day
of joy, merriment and God's approval.
Love,
Dad
Day 51:
Beauty and the Beast
I really
don't have much to tell you other than…it's been raining for about 2 weeks
straight. We haven't seen the sun…in what seems like…forever. Everything is
waterlogged and all of Northern Colorado is waiting for the sun to come out
again. I almost forget what the sun looks like.
Mom and I
watched Emery and Micah tonight, so I thought I'd give you a quick rundown of
the evening:
- Em still
loves her dresses. She met us at the door in her p.j. top and a summer dress. I
think all her princess dresses were in the laundry...or Ali burned them. :)
- Micah
loves to smile. He's also a noisy little thing--constantly grunting and cooing.
Tonight, he was looking me deep in the eyes and…I swear…I thought he was going
to talk!
- Emery
still remembers you both. After snagging Mom's phone she started flipping
through her pictures and videos. When Em came across the picture of you two at
the airport, I asked, "Who's that?" pointing to Nick and,
without hesitation, she said, "Nick!" When I asked her, "And
who's that?" she smiled and said, "Kay-Kee!" So, rest
easy. She hasn't forgotten you.
- Katie, you
will be proud. Ben and Ali found Disney's Beauty and the Beast at
a secondhand bookstore…and Emery loves it! We watched it 3 times tonight. I
felt like it was 1993 and I was back in Plano, TX having to watch Belle and the
Beast over and over and over again with you. There were so many similarities
between tonight and 1993 in Plano. But the main ones are: both had little blond
girls running around the living room singing along to the movie…and both had
Mom and I loving every minute of it. I'll admit, at one moment, I got choked
up. Emery and Mom were singing along with Belle and the rest of the village in
the opening chorus ("Bonjour…Bonjour…Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!
There goes the baker with his tray, like always. The same old bread and rolls
to sell") and it was almost exactly like it was with you, Katie, back
in 1993. It was haunting. Emery played and watched the movie off and on and
laughed at me a few times when I blurted out some of the lines that are etched
in my memory like, "Crazy ol' Maurice…hmmm. CRAZY OL' Maurice! "
I am amazed
by how much Em reminds me of you, Katie, but it's a bit of a double-edged sword
for me: It's great because she stirs up memories of you as a little girl. And
it hurts…because she stirs up memories of you as a little girl. You know how
getting nostalgic train-wrecks me…and how I get sucker punched by watching old
videos of you and Ben growing up. Tonight, I got blindsided by a beautiful
little blond girl singing songs from Beauty and the Beast…who
reminds me of another beautiful little blond girl singing songs from Beauty
and the Beast. It makes my heart ache…and I feel like a
wuss…but I couldn't be happier.
I don't want
to go back to 1993 and re-live those days. I love where you are today…living
out your dreams…as an adult…with the man you love. And I wouldn't miss a single
day of being with Emery and Micah. Like King Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 7:10:
"Do not say, 'Why were the old days
better than these?' For it is not wise to ask such questions."
I love, and
will forever cherish, the "old days"…but I love and cherish today
too. And wherever you are tonight…somewhere in southern Virginia…I love the
thought that, maybe, in some small little way…this grand trip of yours was
conceived back in 1993. At least, maybe, in the spirit of it. When our
beautiful little blond girl heard (and understood) the dreams of a cartoon
maiden who sang:
"I want adventure in the
great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell. And for once it might be
grand…To have someone understand…I want so much more than they've got
planned…"
(Belle
from Beauty and the Beast)
Love,
Dad
Day 52:
Worry
Today began
with another call from Grandma.
"I
need to hear from Katie and Nick. We haven't heard from them in a while."
Telling Grandma that the other night was Mom's first mistake. The second…third
and fourth mistake was not answering Grandma's repeated calls over the last few
days. Mom wanted to, but between work…and dinner parties…and watching Emery and
Micah…she really didn't have time. When Grandma called my cell phone this
morning as we were heading out to grab breakfast (Mickey D's, by the way) Mom
knew she needed to talk to her before she contacted the local authorities in
Colorado AND Virginia!
Grandma was
worried. That was the sum and the total of Mom's conversation with Grandma this
morning. Basically, Grandma couldn't eat or sleep until she knew that you two
were alive…and that we were too. Grandma's a worrier, but aren't we all at
times? I've done my share of worrying about you two…out there in the wilds of
Georgia, North Carolina, Tennessee…and now Virginia. Mom is able to
compartmentalize her worry about you…until either Grandma or me pulls it out of
the compartment and reminds her that you're out there in the woods.
Tonight,
Scott Nickell's message at church was all about worry. As we continue to go
through the Sermon on the Mount, I knew we'd eventually land on what Jesus says
about worry. Tonight was the night. In Matthew 6, we can read all about what
Jesus says about worry, like…don't worry about what you're going to eat or
drink or wear or worry about where you'll live because God will take care of
you. He takes care of the birds and the flowers, so certainly God will take
care of us, right? I can't help but think of the old Rich Mullins song
"Hard" when I read through Matthew 6:
Well
His eye's on the sparrow
And the
lilies of the field I've heard
And He will
watch over you and He will watch over me
So we can
dress like flowers and eat like birds
I used to
think that Matthew 6:33 was the "Key to Life"--the answer
to God's care: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his
righteousness, and all these things (Everything that Jesus said not to
worry about) will be added to you." I used to think,
"There you have it! All I have to do is seek God first…and He'll take
care of everything!" For a long time I took Matthew 6:33 to
heart…I took it literally…and I took it legalistically. I got up every morning,
and before I did ANYTHING, I'd read 5 chapters out of the Bible. After that,
I'd pray and meditate on what I'd just read.
I didn't
miss a day. And in the deep, dark recesses of my heart and mind I thought,
"If I do this every day, God HAS to take care of me…my family…and all I
care about." And in an even deeper and darker place I still worried,
thinking, "If I don't do this every day…God will punish me…and take
something or someone away from me." So I continued…and I became
prideful…and judgmental…and in the deep, dark place…an even bigger worrier.
Then, God did something…something that (at first) hurt, but in the end, was
healing. He shed His light on that deep, dark place in my heart and mind.
It came
slowly at first.
A few years
after the tragedy of 9-11, my freelance business started to slack off a bit.
Mom and I were used to the ups and downs of freelance, so we didn't worry.
Besides, I had the "Key to Life"—Matthew 6:33. I was "seeking
God first" everyday! Then, things got worse. I lost 3 of my biggest
clients…so I got up all the earlier and read my Bible more and prayed
more…thinking I was forcing God's hand to fix things. He didn't. Things
spiraled and spiraled out of control…and in the end…all of my Bible reading and
praying didn't stop our financial crash. It was devastating. The bankruptcy
left us with a roof over our heads…each other…and a gaping hole in that deep,
dark place…where God shone His light and truth. God showed me that He wouldn't,
and couldn't, be manipulated. That He wasn't my heavenly vending machine…where
I could put in the right amount of time and prayer…and get what I wanted. God
showed me that He is good…despite what the world around me looks like. God
showed me that His sovereignty is just that…sovereign. Everything in my
life…the good AND the bad…pass through HIs hands first. And sitting in the
wreckage of our financial world…I finally felt peace…and my worry was relieved.
Katie, you
lived through that with us. We tried to hide as much as we could from you, but
you were right there in the thick of it. It was easier to shield Ben. He was
1,000 miles away at school. I can't lie to you and tell you both that I never
worry. You know I do, but I feel like it's a much "healthier" kind of
worry…a worry where God lives in sovereignty. So, as the days tick by…and we
don't hear from you…I will put my worry about you two…and my faith…where it
belongs: In the sovereign hands where everything passes through first.
And another
lesson learned: We won't tell Grandma when we haven't heard from you in days…
Love,
Dad
Day 53:
Going Too Far?
"I was there to push people beyond
what's expected of them. I believe that's an absolute necessity."
(Terence Fletcher from "Whiplash")
Mom and I
finally got around to watching the movie "Whiplash" last night. It
was great! I can't remember if you guys saw it before you took off or not. I
know Ben and Ali did. We watched Emery the night that they went to to see it.
When they got home that night, they both raved about it. All I knew about the
movie was that it was about a music school instructor and his student…and it
starred the Farmers' Insurance guy. At first, I kept humming the jingle, "We
are Farmers'! Dut ditty dut dut…dut, dut dut!" It didn't take long to
forget that, though…maybe by the 4th or 5th F-Bomb out of the Farmers' Guy's
mouth! Anyway, it wasn't pandering or maudlin or cliche, but was gritty and
disturbing and inspiring! We rented it on iTunes last night…and still had
10 hours left on our rental today, so we watched it again. Just as good the
second time around in less than 24 hrs! I told Mom this afternoon as we were
walking Peanut, "I love unpredictable, inspiring movies"…and
that's exactly what "Whiplash" was for me: unpredictable and
inspiring!
"But
is there a line? You know, maybe you go too far…"
I have to tell
you, I'm still chewing on the message(s) from "Whiplash". That (to
me) is the sign of a good movie. I've been mulling over stuff like, when does
our love for something become eclipsed and become an obsession? Or when does
people-pleasing become unhealthy…or is there anything about people-pleasing
that's healthy to begin with? And…where is the line between pushing people
beyond what's expected of them…and destroying their spirits? Good stuff to
think about.
I always
wondered about the whole "pushing too much" thing as a father. I used
to question whether I was pushing you, Katie, and Ben, too much. And in my
desire to push you and make you stronger…did I go too far and did I destroy
something in you? I've often wondered the same thing about God though. I know
He's perfect and sovereign, but there have been times where I've questioned
God's motives…and doubted His goodness. I've struggled with my perception of
God; seeing Him as either cold (at best) or malevolent (at worst)…and that's
affected my relationship with Him (just re-read yesterday's note). People like
to say that God will never give you more than you can handle, and they
reference 1 Corinthians 10:13:
"No temptation has overtaken you
except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be
tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also
provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Now, I'm not
so sure this verse is dealing with the struggles and storms of life--the things
that beat us down and push us beyond our limits. Maybe it is…and maybe not. The
Greek word used here for "temptation" and "tempted" can
also mean "testing" and "tested". Either way, however we are
tested or tempted…the truth here is this: God will provide a way for us to
endure it…whatever that looks like.
Right now, I
know you two are testing yourselves…you're pushing yourselves beyond anything
you've ever done before, but you've chosen this literal and figurative path,
right? You have planned and prepared for this hike…and now you are dealing with
the reality of it--the rough conditions…the exhaustion…the boredom…and
everything else that encapsulates hiking 400+ miles. My hope and prayer for you
is that God continues to provide for you on this journey…and that He'll
strengthen you both beyond measure…and temper you, like steel…so that you will
never be tempted or tested beyond what you can bear.
"But is there a line? You know, maybe
you go too far, and you discourage the next Charlie Parker from ever becoming
Charlie Parker?"
"No, man, no. Because the next
Charlie Parker would never be discouraged."
Andrew
Neyman Terence Fletcher from "Whiplash"
Love,
Dad
Day 54: Good
This was Ben's comment before they left
tonight: "They look good. They look, so...I don't know…healthy! I
thought they'd look…like…all (hunching over and sucking in his
cheeks) tired and, 'We barely made it here, we're so tired'…"
Thanks for FaceTiming tonight. It was SO good
to see your smiling faces again…and to know you are happy, healthy and well.
I'll make this short because we got to talk on the phone this morning and
FaceTime tonight. Mom and I enjoyed tending to Emery and Micah while you got to
do a face-to-virtual face with Ben and Ali. We also eavesdropped while you
talked with them. Here are the highlights we heard…and correct me if I got
something wrong:
- You're over 500+ miles into your hike…and
over the next 2 days…you'll cross the Quarter of the Way Through mark. Everyone
is impressed!
- Nick's shoes are falling apart and we'll
need to mail his other shoes. Please let us know when and where and we'll get a
box ready.
- Ambush (trail name) is one of your
off-and-on companions on the AT and he's a former youth pastor.
- You are both sharing a ratty motel room
tonight with 4 other hikers.
- Katie lost her pinky toenail. AT=1. Katie=
512 miles.
- Katie (and some of the other female hikers)
had a Spa Day: a splurge through the Walmart $1 section of soaps, razors, nail
polish, etc. Then, took turns in the ratty motel room shower and refreshed
yourselves.
- Nick's "Trail Appetite" is
becoming legendary. Dinner the other night: Bacon double cheeseburger, onion
rings, strawberry milkshake…then, 2 chili cheese dogs, another onion ring…and
another milkshake.
- More and more "Trail Magic", like
Easy Rock (trail name) meeting everyone with brats and beer as you pushed
through a 20+ mile hike the other day.
- You love Virginia. It's your favorite state
to hike, thus far.
- You don't miss as many of the things you
thought you would, like: TV, warm beds, and some of the other finer things in
civilization.
- Katie, you said the dirtiness of hiking and
living in the woods isn't near as bad as you thought it would be.
- There's "Trail Drama" amongst
some of the hikers you're criss-crossing paths with.
- Nick, you're a "squatter" and
Katie, you're a "Roman Chair"…when it comes to #2.
- And…you love the wild ponies.
Tonight was good.
It was good having Ben, Ali, Emery and Micah
in the home.
It was good cooking out…eating well…and
catching up.
It was good seeing you on my iPad.
It was good hearing all your stories, but
most of all…hearing you are well…and hearing it in your voices. A part of
Isaiah 52:7 reads:
"How beautiful on the mountains are
the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good
tidings..."
That's exactly what you both gave us tonight;
good news…peace…and good tidings. And after the picture you sent us this
afternoon…"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring
good news"…minus the pinky toenail.
Love,
Dad
